I love crime news, crime TV shows. I have to tell you, my absolute favorite show is a little program called Law and Order. I love Law and Order. Most of the time, when I’m not trying to figure out who Tyler Perry is, I’m watching Law and Order. It’s a great show.
I watch so much Law and Order, sometimes I think I’m in an episode of Law and Order. Like I’ll just be like walking to the car with my friends and I’ll be like, “Hey, you guys see the game last night? That ref should get his eyes checked. Wait a second. Parking garage in the afternoon? Vague and crappy dialogue? We’re about to find a dead body!” We never do.
And the best thing about Law and Order is that it’s like the same episode every single time. Like it’s the same thing again and again to the point where you see the same types of characters on every Law and Order; they’ll bust out the same types of people on different episodes. Some of my personal favorites there is: Guy Who While Being Questioned By Homicide Detectives Will Not Stop Unloading Crates. Doesn’t matter to this guy! Double rape and murder? Nah, he’s gotta unload that van! The detectives they’ll show up with all these serious questions, and this guy is just like, “Tony Ramirez? Yeah, I remember him. Used to work here Tuesdays.” It’s like, dude, people have died! How often are you questioned by homicide detectives?
Other favorites on Law and Order there is: Judge Who Allows Everything. “Mmm, I’ll allow it watch yourself, McCoy!” And of course, the New York City Bartender Who Recognizes Everybody That’s Ever Been In The Bar Ever. The cops come in and hand the bartender a photo, and the Law and Order bartender is like, “Hmm…” They always make that face like their face needs to adjust to a photograph. Like, “Oh, a picture! Not for nutting, but , but for a second I thought it was a tiny person! Okay, yeah, blue-shirt lady. Nice lady. Came in here Friday around 7:30.”
And the cops are like, “Alright, did she seem upset.”
“Nah, she was smilin’. Guy she was with didn’t seem so happy, though. He left about 9:35-9:36.”
It’s like which New York City do you work in? I live there. I live with people I don’t recognize. Oh, and then the bartender will always ask the cop the same question. He’s just like, “Why? Did something happen to her?”
Yes. Something most definitely did, that’s why the murder police are here with a photograph of her, talking about her in the past tense. There’s been an incident.
I love Law and Order. I do, and I miss Jerry Orbach more than certain dead relatives of mine. He was the best. Jerry Orbach, for those of you that don’t know who that is, he played Detective Lenny Briskoe on Law and Order for many many years. He was a wonderful actor. He also played the dad in Dirty Dancing; he’s the one who put baby in the corner. But a few years ago, Jerry Orbach died, you may know that, it was very sad. What you may not know—and this is absolutely true by the way. I would not shit you San Francisco. This is absolutely true. After Jerry Orbach died, he donated his eyes to the New York Eye Bank. He was an eye donor, okay? And there’s these signs all over New York that you can see and they’re in ads and magazines and stuff and they say, “Jerry Orbach gave his heart and soul to the gift of acting and the gift of sight to two New Yorkers.” Two New Yorkers got Jerry Orbach’s eyes. Sorry, like as a transplant, not just to have. They had them put in. They got them surgically put in, not just to carry around mushy-like. Like a doctor did it.
That is an amazing story. There’s two different New Yorkers walking around with Jerry Orbach’s eyeballs. What’s more amazing is that it’s two different people in New York City. They are probably strangers. They probably don’t know each other, right? Well, that would make a great movie. Like that is the plot of a great romantic comedy. I can see the preview now if it’s just like:
He’s an average guy who only likes sports. “Dude, you gonna sell your grandmother’s wedding ring?”
“What? I need it for season tickets!”
But she’s a busy business woman who only likes business.
“Ma’am, could you turn off that Bluetooth? We’re at a baptism!”
He’s March Madness, “Ahhh!”
She’s Meryl Lynch, “Got it!”
But they have one thing in common, they both have Jerry Orbach’s eyeballs shoved into their face. New Line Cinema presents, “Love at First Sight.” This summer, “Love” is spelled with two eyes.
I thought a lot about it. Thank you, I’m very proud of my show.
And the scene where the guy and the girl finally meet, okay—’cause at the beginning of the movie, they get the eye transplant, that’s a given—rest of the movie, they’re walking around New York, but they keep criss-crossing and you’re like, “Oh! When are they finally gonna meet?” But they don’t cross paths like in that movie Serendipity, which is not bad. So they’re walking around and you’re like, “Oh! When are they finally gonna meet?” And here’s the scene where they meet, okay? ‘Cause you remember in Law and Order, whenever Jerry Orbach saw a dead body, he’d make a funny little joke. Like Jerry Orbach always had a one-liner like every single time. So at the end of the movie, the guy and the girl are coming down the street from opposite ends of the street, okay? And there’s an alley in the middle of the street and there’s a teacher lying dead in the alley and at the same moment, they both go, “School’s out!” And then they lock eyes. Coming to a theater near you!
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